Regarding the ‘~Natively Awkward’ hiatus…
It’s been nearly 2 months since the last time I’ve updated anything on the comic’s progress. It isn’t because I’ve little-to-no interest in it or anything of the sort given I’m eager to continue when I feel like it.
Unfortunately, my depression in the last several weeks has gotten the better of me and even though this is nothing new, such distraught feelings trying to aspire in whatever I want to pursue in while having to hear and learn of others’ successes has lowered my self-esteem and self-confidence in ways I never imagined.
And frankly, It Fucking Sucks.
I don’t mean to sound harsh by the above alone, but I just cannot seem to cope with those thoughts in mind at the moment. It’s not just that, but the fact the opportunities in my current residence, especially with the skills in mind, is very slim. I was already aware they were going to be slim prior to graduation two years ago, but I never realized how slim it really is. I also tried to get my name out by other means, but I also realized that was an exercise in futility. Maybe I’m exaggerating, I honestly don’t know at this point.
It’s because of my current state that I haven’t done anything to overcome it. To talk about it has been a struggle for me, if not at times embarrassing due to the false impression that “normal people” are only allowed to live normal lives; as I’ve been told this a few times throughout my life. What is normal? Are there normal lives? Why is it even a general fucking rule one has to be perfect in order to live a life despite that being a false justification in itself? This whole direct “meaning of life” ideology many aspire to is very odd to me, whatever that is supposed to direct to. It’s complex enough for me to realize it’s not direct or whatever the hell it is.
(Pardon if I go from one topic over the other. I accidentally do that without realizing it until later on.)
Anyway, going back to residence a bit more. Like I stated before, my hometown lacks such opportunities and since then I’ve been stuck in this residential purgatory struggling to find ends meet (I think that’s what it’s called, I don’t know, whatever). Even with freelance, it’s a struggle given there aren’t many locals I know who have experience. (Keep in mind I’m directing to locals since I can at least try to figure these out via the internet, but it’s to prove my point on the matter.)
I also realized a month prior that graphic design wasn’t for me, despite my appreciation over it and the things I learned that would help me with other endeavors. A lot of things are hanging over my shoulder at the moment, so much that I don’t even want to bother. That and the “confidence/motivative” advice I have to deal with from time to time. That has never helped me, in fact it only makes it worse for me. (Examples: “It’ll get better” and “You are amazing”, etc.)
At first I wasn’t looking forward writing all of this down (and I’m still not) but I needed to in order to imply expression over whatever I’m going through at the moment. It’s also a constant a reminder for me that depression can and will destroy one’s well-being and at the same time maybe affect the ones you hold dear and care about. I don’t know whether writing whatever I needed to write will help me in any way, but writing in general is the least I could do at this time.
Lastly (and one I constantly remind myself as well), Fuck depression. That is all.
*And I’ll try to resume ~Natively Awkward when I get to doing so.